We are at the required Fall Theological Conference this week. Which is never my favorite thing. Never have been a lover of theology, I prefer to have hands on stuff I can take home.
But this year has been different for me. Different because I came more tired, more confused, more lost then I've been before, but also different because I am so tired that I am to a point of doing what I need to do instead of what is required.
I've discovered that this summer of two jobs has left me struggling. Struggling to find rest, struggling to find the joy of ministry again, struggling with who I am and what I need.
And I have been caught in this trap of doing everything I can and feeling like it is never good enough. Never all it is supposed to be.
So today? I just stopped. Partially because my body made me. But also partially because I just needed to be able to push back and say enough is enough. I needed to be able to say I'm tired, I'm broken, and I just need time for me.
I realize what is broken can't be fixed in a few hours. If I am being honest, what is broken can't be fixed in a few days either, but I am working on it. I am willing to say now that I am not okay and need some space to breathe. I am willing to say this current way of doing things isn't working. I am willing to step out in faith and hope that I still have this courage tomorrow to keep standing up for myself.
A friend tonight said that I am doing good ministry and it almost made me fall completely apart. I never feel like it is good or like it is enough. But it is what I can do. Today its enough.
Tomorrow God's mercies are new again. Thanks be to God.
Goodnight, sweet dreams, and may you know you loved beyond measure,
Preaching Kate